Holiday Gifts For Our Mayor And Council

Our Holiday Gifts To The Mayor And Council

With Chanukkah here and Christmas soon to be upon us, we thought it appropriate to offer symbolic gifts to our mayor and council members. So without further ado, let's get started.

1) Mayor Paul Loomis--- In some quarters, as a result of always shielding himself from criticism, Mayor Loomis is known as "The Teflon Man." However, as more of our citizens become aware of his inept leadership, the mayor's Teflon Coating seems to be wearing thin.

Therefore, our gift to Mayor Paul Loomis is a brand new can of Teflon Spray.

2) Vice Mayor Helen Dankwerth--- She is constantly telling us that she is concerned about the citizens of Oro Valley, and yet her votes say otherwise. How many times does she give a preamble before a vote saying she is against it----such as a 60' hotel or a Utility Tax, only to vote for it? It seems she does nothing more than espouse Horse Manure.

Therefore, our gift to Vice Mayor Dankwerth is a brand new rake & shovel making it easier for her to spread it around.

3) Councilman Terry Parish--- He has a propensity to put his foot in his mouth every time he speaks, whether it be from his "perch" at council meetings or quotes in the newspaper.

Therefore, we have not one, but two gifts for Councilman Parish. They are a bullhorn and a pair of fleece slippers. This way more people can hear him when he puts his foot in his mouth but it won't be as painful.

4) Councilman Barry Gillaspie--- Most people never know which side of an issue Councilman Gillaspie is on, after he discusses his rationale for the vote. Some say he consistently wavers on the issues.

Therefore, without a doubt, the best gift for Councilman Gillaspie is a gift certificate to The Waffle House, where he should feel right at home.

5) Councilman Al Kunisch---He seems to be led all over the place, especially by his pal Parish. A prime example of this is when Kunisch got talked into voting with Parish, Dankwerth & Loomis, casting the deciding "yes" vote on the ill conceived Utility Tax.

Therefore, in order to make it easier to be led around, our gift to Councilman Kunisch is a collar and chain.

6) Councilwoman Paula Abbott---Councilwoman Abbott has been an advocate of the people for what is now her 2nd term in office. Up until the time KC Carter got elected in 2004, Paula has been, and continues to be "pounded on" by the other Council Members. Yet, she continues to be a woman of principles, and like the old Timex commercials, "she takes a beating but keeps on ticking."

Therefore, to help Paula continue to fight for the people of Oro Valley, we give her a gift of a suit of armor.

7) Councilman KC Carter--- Since being elected to his first term in office in 2004 and then reelected in 2006, KC has stood up almost 100% for his constituents. If not 100%, then close to it.

Therefore, we feel it only appropriate to remember the old soap commercial (99.44% pure), and give KC a six pack of----Ivory Soap.

We haven't forgotten our readers. We have a gift for you. Our gift is Bill Garner & Salette Latas. We hope you'll accept this gift by voting them into office in the March 2008 election. That will be a gift that will pay dividends for at least four years.

Ho! Ho! Ho! and Happy Holidays to all.